Is You Is or Is You Isn't...word of the week

That's right, there's a word of the week. Because I like words and it's my blog. So whatever else I'm blogging about there will always be a word of the week. And this week's word is IS. Because I said so and because Bill Clinton and Rob Ford have made it necessary. Words matter people.

First Bill Clinton: Do you remember the Monica Lewinsky scandal? As in: Did you have sex with that woman Mr. President? Oh no (he told his staff): "there's nothing going on between us."

Later, he explained that statement to the grand jury.

"It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is." Seriously.*

As in, oh no I'm not nailing my intern. Anymore. That was months ago.  You see the difference? He's so smart. No wonder he was a Rhodes Scholar. (You don't have to be smart to be president -- remember George W Bush?  But you have to be super smart to go to Oxford on scholarship.)

But DC journalists, those jaded political hacks, saw right through it, while most of the rest of the world fell for it (at first). He's the president, he wouldn't do that / her, she's too fat, not pretty enough, beans on toast (as one journalist described her)...then one day a semen-stained dress turned up and the fat lady sang.

IS matters.

So when Toronto's mayor finally addressed the question of whether he smoked crack, the wording he chose has to be considered:

"I do not use crack cocaine. Nor am I an addict of crack cocaine."
(did Dr. Seuss write that?...I know, he's dead...back to my point)

Present tense. Nothing refers the past; not last year? last month? last week? Not ever? ...no never...well maybe once at school, but never inhaled, didn't like it...(ref: afore-mentioned former president of the USofA when asked if he ever smoked marijuana).

Mayor Ford's 'am' and 'do not' sound a lot like President Clinton's 'is' to me. If only he were accused schtupping his intern, and I wasn't a citizen of the city he governs, then I wouldn't care so much.

What happens when the semen stained dress shows up? Because you know, it always does.


* Just in case you don't believe me...

Clinton Grand Jury Part 4 - YouTube

► 2:59► 2:59

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHlt1W83JFU‎

Nov 15, 2011 - Uploaded by WinningatDeposition

Clinton says it depends on the meaning of the word "is." For tips on how to make a witness answer your ...

Happy May Two-Four!

Happy May Two-Four Weekend! That’s right. May 2-4. Because, did you notice the date? It’s May 23^rd…and it’s Thursday, so tomorrow, Friday, is the 24^th and the beginning of the weekend. Are you with me? Fer sure!

Who really celebrates the queen’s birthday anyway? Did you know that’s what the May long weekend is about: a fixed date to celebrate / genuflect to the monarch’s birth. In a democracy…doesn’t make sense. So this weekend is my weekend of celebration.

Because, (1) I don’t believe in monarchies. No divine right to rule (they claim that you know). No primogeniture (first born son gets the crown , even if there's a perfectly suitable 1st born girl, which is kinda sexist if you ask me). And no more public dollars wasted on allegedly (no lawsuits here) inbred royals waving at the besotted citizenry.

And, (2) I grew up in northern Ontario where no one called it the Victoria Day Weekend (except my ex-pat brit parents). Everyone called it the May two-four weekend. As in you go to the Brewer’s Retail (remember that?  Your dad told them what he wanted and they just shot the case out on a rolling belt) and buy a two-four of beer, to be consumed over the weekend. On a dock or in a backyard next to a bbq.

I was in high-school when I finally figured out (ie my mom reamed me out for being a dunce) that Victoria Day = the May Long Weekend = May Two-Four. Say ‘two-four’ in kind of a hoser voice and it’ll make more sense; work in an ‘eh’ and a ‘giv’er’ and you’re good to go.

As in: "Oh ya eh, it’s may two-four this weekend. Gotta go the beer store and get me a case of blue. Gonna go out to camp* and just giv’er."

"Oh fer sure eh…"

* up north no one (except for prissy, poncey, pretending they’re Torontonian snots) calls it ‘the cottage’. And you don’t go up, you go out.  To camp.  And if you’re a very overweight or emaciated man you don’t wear a shirt the whole time.

So this weekend I will go to the LCBO, buy a micro-brewery six-pack and drink a bottle in my prissy Toronto backyard garden, while my husband, with his shirt on, fires up the bbq…and just giv’er! 

Because I am Canadian.

The M-words (words that make you go ewww)

Last week was the Toronto Hot Doc's festival and I was out watching some amazing documentaries. My favourite was Menstrual Man...oh no, did you just flinch? A little? Probably. Definitely, if you are a man. (Don't pretend you didn't, I know you did. But that's okay, because that's what this post is about.)

I told my husband that I was going to Menstrual Man and he made the pucker face...ewww...like some 11-year-old princess-brat. Seriously? He's a doctor. An emergency doctor in a rough end of town. How much blood do you figure he's seen? But holy christ, if it comes out of a woman's vagina -- ewww. And that's about the reaction I got from everyone I said 'Menstrual Man' to. So I said it alot. And then made them listen to the inspiring story of the film (check it out at www.menstrualman.com).
 The only person who didn't make a face was my guitar teacher -- who just so happens to be a bona fide rock guy, playing gigs and everything, which means I get to jam with a rocker ever week and that makes me an almost rock chick. I'm not sure what this says about rockers in general -- maybe fearless?-- but I kind of just wanted to work that in.

And that reminded me of another M-word: masturbation. Say it in mixed company, you'll see. Women will be kind of uncomfortable, maybe giggle. Men...they'll be that weird angry/embarrassed combo. I found out about this whole aversion to the word masterbation when I was taking a screenwriting course. We had to write something sexy...there was no masterbating in my scene, just the hint of it with some old-fashioned phone-sex fore-play (because you're supposed to take chances in a writing class). The discussion focused on OMG what if she really did TOUCH HERSELF? Yeah, no one ever said the m-word. In fact the women didn't say a thing.

Because I like things to have a beginning, middle and end, there's word #3: Mommy. Usually said Mawmmy in a really whiny voice. Don't get me wrong, I am a mom. I like being a mom. I just don't like being called Mommy. Like 'aww, don't like it? Go tell your mommy'. I blame Jamie V____
for it (I have to put the V____  in because he comes from that part of my childhood when all kids were called by their first and last names; remember that?). Anyway, during summer all the kids on our street would play Ghosts in the Graveyard until sunset (which was like 10pm, because we were way up north). But then, around 8 or 9 Jamie's mom would start to call, "Jaaaayyymie....Jaaaayyymie..." . And he'd ignore it. Then some kid would turn around and say, "Hey Jamie, your mommy's calling." To this day, I don't like to be called Mommy even by my beloved daughter.

So, three M-words, that almost no one likes. But why? They're ours. Menstruation, Masturbation, Mommy. Two of them we do. One of them we are...or about to celebrate this coming weekend. So I say it's time for a change. And, drawing on the timeless and inspirational words of Carrie Fisher (aka Princess Leia) in VF's Proust questionnaire, when asked about her personal motto: "FUCK THAT SHIT" Words to live by.